A Twinkie in Amber
This important historical account of the attempted assassination
of the King of Amber has unfortunately been lost to the ages. We shall
unfortunately never know what the good Prince Dexter thought of the goings
on of that fateful day. All that has survived of the account is its title, and we can only wonder at what it might mean.
Loose Lips Sink Ships
Our story starts off with the Mistress of the Seas, Grace,
proving her capabilities by captaining her ship into a storm and going
We continue with Alexandria, Galen, and Caitlin interrogating
an unconscious woman for some reason.
Carton then blithers and blathers on at some length to
a clueless Root, who doesn't seem to understand the depths of Carton's
Later on, Gustav pawns off his king-given responsibilities
on his nutcase brother. This is a characteristically severe misplacing
of Martin's trust. One does not utter the word "treason" at times like
Dexter, furious at Gustav for failing his responsibilities,
makes him the subject of his deadly wit. Dexter then heads into town looking
for Mauresha Leshanti, the member of Caitlin's Shadow Guard that is always
getting involved in bar fights. Unfortunately, Dexter can't find her, so
he amuses himself by alarming the local citizenry.
As we resume Grace's story, it turns out that her ship
does not go down. Deirdre falls off the ship, but manages to get back on
deck somehow or other.
Later on, after much back and forth dealing with Shadow
Guardswomen and such by Caitlin, Alexandria, and Galen, the real action
begins. Dexter and Carton meet at the HMS Rebecca and set sail for Antioch.
Dexter is cleverly disguised so that no one will know that Dexter is even
in Antioch, but Carton foolishly tells everyone on the ship, thus necessitating
their deaths. Gustav pulls Carton away via Trump, then later crank calls
Dexter by Trump while Dexter is cleaning up after Carton's indiscretions.
Dexter damages the ship well enough to ensure its eventual
sinking, then shifts it into an iceberg. While rowing toward Antioch in
a lifeboat, Dexter and half the crew are attacked by a Giant Shark. Dexter
lets it eat the crew before dealing with it.
The Belly of the Beast
Our story starts off with the Mistress of the Seas, Grace,
once again. Grace does some minor investigations. Deirdre then contacts
her and tells her to walk the Pattern. Grace then starts to walk the Pattern.
Gustav, continuing his traitorous ways, contacts the
Captain of the downed Rebecca instead of our hero, Dexter.
Dexter swims away from the carnage, shifting as he goes.
Eventually, however, the proto-shark heads for Dexter. Dexter spins about
and punches the shark mightily in the nose and stabs it with his kukri.
Dexter grabs hold of the proto-shark and stabs it repeatedly. The proto-shark
descends into the depths and Dexter lets it go, swimming to the surface.
After a single gasp of breath, Dexter is swallowed by the proto-shark.
He continues to fight on, though, even as he passes into its gut.
Galen does something or other. He goes to Antioch, which
is obviously a misuse of forces.
Caitlin reviews the troops or something.
Grace walks the Pattern. In doing so, she catches fire,
but doesn't seem to mind. Furthermore, she distresses Deirdre for some
reason. She disappears.
Gustav messes around with his mistress, abandoning his
mission despite orders to the contrary.
Dexter then fights his way out of the proto-shark by
forcing it to vomit him out. He breaks the surface, but contracts the bends
in the process. He makes his way toward shore and is in sight of both shore
and two fishing vessels when he blacks out.
Galen joins his evil masters at the Church of the Crimson
Flow. His masters commend him on a job well done.
Caitlin searches in vain for Alexandria, who has gone
missing in order to hide her involvement with the assassination plot.
Grace meets up with Deirdre. Mysterious occurences abound.
Deirdre has been working on a trump of Galen.
Gustav trumps the seditious crew of the Rebecca to Amber.
Dexter wakes up. He is being held by a pair of miscreants
who have chained him up. They believe him to be a member of some noble
family and intend to ransom him, but their plans are waylaid when Dexter
breaks out of the chains and steps on one of their necks. After they run
off, Dexter eats their fish and steals their boat. It is while he is on
the boat that he receives a trump call from Galen, who asks to be pulled
through. Galen then seems upset to be in the waters of Cataan instead of
Antioch, but Dexter assures him that the crux of the matter lies in Antioch.
Caitlin does something or other. It involves Root and
casting suspicion about Alexandria.
Fun in Cataan
Cataan is just the kind of place Dexter enjoys. Dexter
sailed in to port, then continued past the area that most ships of his
ship's size dock, entering the main seaway. He sailed close to a ship rowing
away from Cataan, then was rammed by a Cataani ship leaving port.
Dexter leapt onto the masthead, but was unable to find
purchase on her bosom and fell into the water. Swimming toward the docks,
Dexter was bitten by many Barracuda. He pulled himself onto the dock.
A trio of Cataani came upon Dexter, who had disguised
himself as an Amberite. They asked him a few questions, but were put off
guard by Dexter's ingenious interrogation technique. A fight soon broke
out, and two of the men were thrown into the water. The other was used
as a human shield by Dexter and died. In the course of the fight, many
of their friends were also thrown into the water.
Dexter dragged the corpse into an alleyway and stripped
him. Unfortunately a group of the Cataani's friends located Dexter. Two
had crossbows and fired them, missing Dexter. Dexter charged, snapping
the neck of one of the crossbow men and taking another man's sword. He
cut the other crossbow in half and then let the Cataanis flee. Dexter clothed
himself and then disguised himself as an Antiochian.
Dexter headed for a seedy bar. He found it. Once there,
he engaged the locals in discussion about the crazy ways of Amber. The
Cataani sailors showed up and they talked about how bad Amber is. Dexter
then explained that he had been sold the clothes he was wearing by an insane
Amberite and the men demanded that he turn over the clothes.
Fun in Cataan II
Dexter agreed to give the Cataani sailors his clothes.
He went out into an alley with them and exchanged the clothes for a loan
of one sailor's shirt. They then went and bought new clothes for Dexter.
Dexter found another seedy bar. In it, men were fighting
in a pit. Dexter bet on one of them and won. Dexter then announced that
he could defeat their best man and bet all his money on the fight. He then
drove the man's testicles into his abdomen.
Dexter collected his winnings and cunningly ingratiated
himself with the seedy, anti-Amber segment of Cataani society.
Dexter went to another bar where he was planning on continuing
his espionage, but was contacted by his full brother Galen via Trump. Galen
was looking for Martin, who had been acting strangely and who he had tracked
to the extent of his ability.
Dexter saw that the King's tracks lead off the edge and
realized that the King had either turned into a bird, learned to fly, or
entered some sort of pocket dimension or other. He told Galen some of his
suppositions but climbed down nonetheless to make it look good.
Dexter climbed over rocks that no mere mortal could ever
hope to stay on, then climbed back up.
Back in Amber
Dexter climbed back up to the ledge to find that Galen
had spoken with King Martin and that they were to head down to the castle.
Galen produced a Trump of Mirabelle and the two used it to check in on
her and make sure she wasn't behind the plot. The two of them lead the
horses back and then headed off to meet with Alexandria.
Along the way, Martin's latest wife cornered them and
invited them to some dumb dinner party or other. Dexter tried to get away,
but Galen wasn't good enough at stalling Martin's latest wife.
Dexter continued on in search of Alexandria. He met up
with Grace, Mistress of the Seas. She debriefed him on the loss of the
Dexter also ran into King Martin, who told Dexter that
they needed to speak later on. Dexter agreed and said he would meet with
the King once he was done with his important business in Arden.
Dexter then finally met up with Alexandria and asked
her about the infiltrators. Unfortunately, Alexandria was of little help.
Dexter headed out to Arden, where he reviewed the troops
and set them about the task of checking everyone for infiltrators. He then
headed back to Amber to meet with the King.
Along the way, he was rudely interrupted by Gustav. Apparently,
Gustav didn't think that Caitlin could handle an old man and his butler.
It was terribly disappointing. Dexter said he'd help after he spoke with
The King and Dexter had a secret meeting. The King told
Gustav to buzz off, and they were gone.
And away again
Dexter and Martin decided to head back to Amber in time
for the Feast of the Unicorn. The 50 or so advancing tigers were a key
factor in their decision-making. Unfortunately, the Trump Martin intended
to use wasn't working too well, so Dexter helped Martin make contact. As
they were going through, Dexter was able to feel the connection fraying,
so he dropped back out of it and fought the tigers.
Dexter had fun fighting the tigers and headed for a deep
pond. He leapt from treetop to treetop and then cannonballed into the pond,
splashing three of the tigers. He then started swimming for it, killing
another tiger and starting to shift shadow.
Dexter finds a shadow with a platform floating in the
middle of the pond. He reaches up and begins to pull himself out of the
water, but realizes that it is squishy and a tentacle pulls him under.
He fights his way out and continues on to a shadow with wooden floats and
children who swim there. The "children" turn out to be psychotic pygmy
spearmen, and Dexter dispatches them handily.
Dexter finishes off the spearmen's tiger companions and
carries one with him through shadow to a village where the people are adept
at skinning tigers. Some amusing miscommunications later, Dexter secures
for himself a fine and noble cloak made of tiger skin. All seems well in
the universe as Dexter is missing the Feast of the Unicorn and having fun
at the same time. He starts walking home.
And back again
Dexter is enjoying the long walk home when he is contacted
by a Trump. Being the polite and good natured soul that he is, Dexter accepts
it only to find his brother Galen claiming that Martin needs to see Dexter
right away and that the Feast of the Unicorn is still going on. Disgusted
and disappointed, Dexter goes through to Amber.
Dexter takes some time washing himself off and getting
dressed and then puts on his new cloak. He then heads down to the feast.
That bitchy stepmother Elanora cuts Dexter off as he
heads toward his father. Unsurprisingly, she rudely ignores Dexter's explanations
of the seriousness of the summons he received and blabs his ear off. Then
she has the unmitigated gall of suggesting that Dexter's beautiful new
cloak is not appropriate for the occasion and demands that he change. Dexter
ignores her and heads over to speak with Martin.
Martin has nothing interesting to say. Apparently the
summons was hardly the emergency Galen made it out to be. Martin then asks
more of Dexter than anyone ever has, or than anyone has a right to. He
asks Dexter to please Elanora.
Dexter agrees, despite himself.
A great darkness overcomes the world as Dexter is forced
to humiliate and degrade himself at the foot of the lapdog empress. Dexter
soon finds himself wishing that another, less accurate assassination attempt
would be launched which would happen to claim Elanora as its victim. But
alas, no such event occurs unaided. Dexter begins thinking of how such
an event might come about in the near future. Certainly Elanora would never
have survived long after her eventual and certain parting with Martin,
but Dexter for the first time began thinking of earlier measures which
might be taken.
Just then, Dexter's reverie was broken by Galen yapping
about needing to track down some guy named Oscar, but not wanting to leave
until midnight. Dexter actually went and got permission from Elanora,
which must certainly have hastened her demise.
Dexter rode out with Galen to track down this Oscar fellow,
meeting up with some Rangers and Hounds for support. Soon, Caitlin and
Gustav came through via Trump. Gustav went off to deal with a painting,
such as befits his capabilities, and Caitlin joined the hunt.
After most of a night of searching, the hunt came upon
an ambush. Dexter and Caitlin charged forward while the Rangers let loose
a hail of arrows and Galen cowered in the back...
The Shoe Drops
Dexter and Caitlin manage to scare off Oscar while Galen
cowrs. Oscar disappears in a Trump-like nimbus of rainbow colors much to
his own apparent surprise. Not long after dealing with Oscar, signals come
that indicate several patrols have gone missing. Caitlin and Galen head
back to the Castle to gather forces while Dexter rides down to the fort
The fort is being harassed by riders, who strike quickly
and effectively and then disengage. Dexter attempts to give chase, but
their mounts are better suited to night riding, and he is forced to let
them escape when flaming balls launched from the South start pelting the
Dexter organizes the evacuation of the fort even as he
tries to deal with as many of the harassing riders as possible. He manages
to pull the Army of the Valley north to meet Caitlin's reinforcements just
as dawn is breaking and the riders break off their attacks. Giving chase,
Dexter is confronted with the sight of an approximately 50,00-man army,
complete with cavalry and artillery.
Dexter attempts to parley with the officers of this invading
army, but to no avail. Dexter regroups with Marshall Caitlin, who asks
him to ready the Rangers and be prepared to flank the invading army once
it has driven past Arden toward the city.
Dexter rides off to Arden.
Dexter assembles the Rangers in Arden and briefs them
on the plan. Once the day begins, the invading army pulls to a halt outside
arrowshot of Marshall Caitlin's main force. The army bombards the castle,
which Dexter and Caitlin are content to let it do. It is only once the
Ranger saboteur guerillas arrive at the back of the invading army that
the battle is joined. First the Rangers charge at the army's left flank.
In support, Marshall Caitlin gives the order for the army to charge as
well and the battle is begun in earnest.
The Rangers have great success chewing away at the left
flank, as the invading commander over-commits himself to the defense of
his siege engines. Unfortunately, much of the cursed luck that has been
following Dexter seems to be hampering his Rangers as well. In addition,
the elite troops of the enemy are foiling all attempts by the Ranger guerillas
to sabotage the catapults. Dexter makes a difficult decision. Realizing
that his mark of doom is weighing down his men, Dexter goes against his
nature and his duty and assigns the Rangers to Caitlin's command in the
hopes that they will no longer be pulled down by his doom.
Dexter charges the catapults and, leaping gracefully
over stunned opponents, lands atop one of their platforms. With due dispatch,
he manages to disable the catapult and defeat a score of the enemy elite.
With a graceful leap, he manages to get to the next platform over, but
at the last minute decides to go under the device. From there, Dexter is
able to see how these crazy contraptions work and he scuttles out from
underneath it on the other side of the machine. Dexter then leaps up onto
the platform and slays the evil Os-kar. As his momentum carries the two
of them to the ground, Dexter feels a sharp pain in his gut...
Here ends the account of good Prince Dexter's trials
and tribulations such as were found at the archaeological excavation of
the year MMI.